Mary Anne Layden, co-director of the Sexual Trauma and Psychopathology Program at the University of Pennsylvania’s Center for Cognitive Therapy, called porn the “most concerning thing to psychological health that I know of existing today.”

“The internet is a perfect drug delivery system because you are anonymous, aroused and have role models for these behaviors,” Layden said. “To have drug pumped into your house 24/7, free, and children know how to use it better than grown-ups know how to use it — it’s a perfect delivery system if we want to have a whole generation of young addicts who will never have the drug out of their mind.”

The above paragraphs have gotten to me… hence i blog…

With over 95% of viewers being male, porn’s effect on intimacy is complicated.It acts as a barrier to intimacy, habitually viewing pornography sets up HUGE walls between couples: guilt, unrealistic sexual expectations, addictive behaviours, and the break down of trust, to name just a few.

Here are just a few dangers…

Addiction… You are like… NO WAY PAUL… I’ll never be addicted to porn…

Consider the following stats on porn*:

• Pornographic websites: 4.2 million (12% of total)
• Daily search engine requests for porn: 68 million (25% of total search engine requests)
• Daily porn emails: 2.5 billion (8% of total emails).
• Internet users who view porn: 42.7%
• Websites offering illegal child porn: 100,000
• Monthly Internet Porn Sales: $4.9 billion
• Every second: 28, 258 internet users are viewing porn
• Every 39 minutes: a new porn movie is created in the United States

*Stats are by Jerry Ropelato at Internet Filter Review.\

Addiction itself develops through progressively dangerous stages: addiction, escalation, desensitization, and then acting out sexually. The dangers of pornography are evident with every stage more destructive than the one before. Sure looks like we got a generation addicted…

Destruction of intimacy 

Guys retreat emotionally from their girlfriends, wives… bolstered by guilt for ‘mentally cheating’ on her, eventually you feel isolated and… then maybe your married and you have lost any intimacy that you were experiencing with your wife, and discover that pornography initially excites but, without fail, disappoints.

Decreased Excitement and Satisfaction:

Research has shown that repeated exposure to pornography not only results in a diminished sexual arousal but also a decreased satisfaction with the sexual partner and the partner’s sexuality. Why because you want her to do what they did in the porno! NEWSFLASH: Girls are more than just the objects of your sexual desire! Maybe you have noticed that over time you can only get excited at more explicit images, videos… thats why the stuff you started watching no longer ‘does it for you’

Despair:

The dangers of pornography come with a hidden price tag! Many men involve themselves in porn to try to fill some need, or simply out of a curiosity—and then quickly discover they are being controlled by a destructive habit. By this stage, intervention from the outside is usually necessary. Confiding in a trusted friend or counselor is the first step of the journey to become free. Unfortunately for men who try to hide their addiction, there is a spiraling dynamic of guilt, emptiness, isolation, and perverted thinking that takes place. The end of such a spiral is despair.

Warped Thinking and Desensitisation:

Pornography leaves the impression that sex is unrelated to love, commitment or marriage; and that irresponsible sex has no undesirable penalties. Desensitisation of rape as a crime, misconceptions about the popularity of certain sexual practices, and a decrease in the care of female sexuality are additional effects of repeated viewing of pornography.

So guys… Cut it out… before you get lost in the web… cut it out before you end up getting burned took deep… 

I wrote this last March… its been refreshing to re-read this… Not much has changed

“I’ve been thinking a bit recently about what it means to be content as i look to the immediate and not so immediate future. Asking life altering, earth shaking questions like; Where is home? Can i stay away from friends and family? Is canada to cold? why did i have to learn pythagorus theorem in Secondary school…? Heres some of my musings

As i thought through some of the times when i’ve felt most content a common theme pops up… its usually when i’ve felt most comfortable… comfort for me at its basic level can be summed up this way…

When there are people surrounding me whom i love, and whom love me… its a place where relationships are working and people are encouraging…

On the flip side, some of those common themes from when my contentment is disrupted, would pan out like this… when i am tired or sick, when relationships are out of sync or when life jumps from simple to complex

I love being around friends… if you know me you would be aware with how much weight i say this… friends bring me happiness and contentment! I love walking through life, journeying and intersecting with great people!

I also need my down time. Away from the crowd enjoying the alone time… Sometimes reflecting… sometimes watching a no brainer movie. I find my energy in both things but the opposite is also true; too much of one thing will kill my peace, joy and contentment. Finding the balance is never easy… i would say i need more time with people than away from people and i am definitely afraid to be away from my buddies too long incase i miss something

Over the years walking and working with a broad, diverse range of people, i’ve seen that when it comes down to it our most basic human goal outside of survival, is happiness. Usually everything we do is an attempt to enjoy our lives.

For me though and also from what i’ve seen in the lives of countless others, happiness is at times an elusive, very dependent and fickle creature. In light of this i think we should see ‘contentment’ as the solid foundation upon which happiness can most easily express itself. The pursuit of happiness can, at least in my experience, be a frustrating one… so to ask ‘am i happy here?’ is tough to answer… i am happy here, sometimes, i am sad here, sometimes. To ask ‘am i content here?’ is altogether a different and much more productive and concise question to deal with.

Heres are some things i’ve found helpful in finding contentment!

-Chasing a passion. This brings inner contentment as I achieve
-Find contentment in nature! Thunder Bay is beautiful… my eyes have been opened to a new beauty that is accessible, in the back yard if you like. I appreciate this to no end
-Leaving work behind and learn to play again
-Looking ahead, not back. Live life. Love others. No regrets
-Making goals and plans and run after them as if there is no tomorrow
-Having faith and hope that there is still goodness and kindness in the human heart
-Trying to simplify my life. less clutter and mess more space and time for the things that I love most

I have found myself praying over and over again for contentment these days and have a real sense that the immediate future involves staying here in Thunder Bay for a bit longer… so heres to another chapter of chasing dreams, clinging onto the roller-coaster of life, walking with friends new and old, learning to love more and authentically attempting to walk in the footsteps and example of one who is greater than anyone i’ve ever known

Slainte”

I know that things are never simple or straight forward… but i think getting a grasp of these 2 things and the consequences of both good and bad choices in these areas is a good start!

When you are young so much is grabbing for your attention… none more so than these 2 things!

1.  What to do with dating…

2 . What to do with the party scene…

A lot of how they answer these questions reflects how they view themselves and how they build their sense of identity… healthy positive choices help bring confidence.

On a side note… I think that part of the reason they are confused about who they are is because sometimes as youth pastors we neglect to teach about personal and social development… but thats a whole other blog!

So what do you do about dating? heres some of my thoughts…

You got choices… the world is your oyster as per say! Don’t rush it… don’t give into your appetite for the opposite sex so easily and cheaply that you miss something far better in your future.

Look for character… someone who will treat you good… someone who has integrity… who is honest, someone who is positive and reliable.

Find someone who is chasing after God… this is so crucial… someone who’s life is transparent… who is serious about choices that move them closer to God and not away from him… someone who doesn’t just pay lip service to faith… someone who is serious about growing more in love with God… BE SURE YOU FIGURE THIS OUT PRE-DATING!!! life is simpler that way C. S. Lewis describes it as two people walking side by side toward a common goal.

Know your boundaries… theres no doubt that in your mind you are looking at the hottest person on the planet and you are extremely attracted to them, your heart rate goes through the roof when you think about them, that you get excited about them… but don’t compromise by fooling around under the sheets, or anywhere else for that matter! 1st base is the line… don’t do anything you wouldn’t do in public!

Try to change your mindset… try not to live with the mindset that is dictated by the culture, by the people in your school, in the city, on the TV etc… make your mindset the same as Jesus’…

Heres some of what the bible says…

Gal 5:19-23,  19 When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures, 20 idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, 21 envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these. Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God. 22 But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!

So what about partying…?

Keep hanging out with your buddies, you are maybe the only contact that some of them will have to the life that Jesus gives.

Alcohol is not bad… abuse of alcohol is the problem… Know your limits… and stay well within them… Don’t drink until you feel the buzz but hold back and stay safe…

Stay safe… alcohol lowers inhibitions and people take more risk… don’t be stupid!!

Stay sober and watch out for your friends… you may just stop them choking to death on their own puke, or driving their car home!

With dating and partying… its so important to think it through and make decisions before you are faced with the situation and risk making the wrong choice in the heat of the moment… PRE DETERMINED choices are the way to go…

make the choice in advance that you wont get drunk… make the choice that you wont date someone who is not interested in growing in their walk with God.

So whats the point… Why be obedient to God? Why live the way he wants you too?

Obedience to God and living an obedient life helps a believer grow closer to Christ.

Not everyone who claims to be a Christian is a Christian. Obedience is some evidence that Christ is alive in their life.

Obedience shows our love for Jesus. Christians are not just robots, blindly doing what Jesus says without knowing why. We have a love for Christ that so overwhelms that we cannot help but do what he wants. In John 14:21-24, Jesus makes this connection. “If you love me, you will obey what I command…Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me. He who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love him and show myself to him.”

Our actions show where our hearts are really at. When we really understand God’s love and the significance of Jesus’ death on the cross, we want to obey him–because we love him so much! When you are in a love relationship, obedience becomes a natural thing.

One of the main reasons God wants us to be obedient is that He knows what is best for us but also he wants us to live the good life of obedience, holiness and purity.

Your obedience will show your friends and the people around you that there is something different in your life… It will be obvious that Jesus transforms people!

Please comment… let me know your thoughts!

Paul

A good proportion of the generation i’ve grown up in, and those in the generation to follow, are pretty cynical about leadership… Dodgy politicians, abusive authority figures, power tripping pastors, frustrating parents… all in the chain of thoughts that help to build and sculpt a cynical mind.

Its a 2 way street i suppose… and honestly i am convinced that either are right in their conclusions…

On one side of the street, we are seen by an older generation as trouble makers, pot stirrers, rebels without a cause. Some struggling with how they perceive our interactions with authority/leadership to be blatantly ‘disrespectful’ and harmful to creating synergy and building a healthy team.

On the other side of the street, in turn we see those who give blind allegiance to authority figures, to leadership as people who are naive in their pursuit to please those above them. Who give very little thought to how that leader operates or without collecting a pool of information about the leaders character and skill. With the same view this approach is dishonest,  harmful to creating synergy and building a healthy team. Again i think these are both perceptions… and again i’m not convinced they are correct when it comes right down to it.

I find it hard to give respect to those who i haven’t been able to see a track record with… I have no respect for the hair replacement Doctor who is bald, the Pilot who is wearing odd shoes, the Surgeon with a Fisher Price plastic stethoscope around his neck, the Dentist with blood on his face… you get it?

Show me the leader who is dedicated to his goals, passionate about progression, generous in his grace, patient in mentoring, careful with the hearts and minds of his/her followers, inspiring with their words and actions, has integrity acrross his decisions and i will give my loyalty, allegiance and respect.

2 Pieces of scripture to ponder…

I Thess. 5:12
Now we ask you, brothers, to respect those who work hard among you, who are over you in the Lord and who admonish you. Hold them in the highest regard in love because of their work. Live in peace with each other.

Asking the followers to respect, to honour, to follow well…

and…

1 Peter 5:1-4
To the elders among you, I appeal as a fellow elder and a witness of Christ’s sufferings who also will share in the glory to be revealed:  Be shepherds of God’s flock that is under your care, watching over them—not because you must, but because you are willing, as God wants you to be; not pursuing dishonest gain, but eager to serve; not lording it over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock. And when the Chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the crown of glory that will never fade away.

Asking the leader to demonstrate Character traits that deserve respect, honour and to be followed well…

So is it earned or given… i’m guessing its both…

Any thoughts? Can you where you are identify and add to a comment how the various generational groups operate differently when it comes to the area of respect?

Doug is asking Duffy Robbins some questions on leadership…

heres my favourite parts…

What’s an important tip you have to share about leading others?

Christian leadership is about shepherding, and shepherding is about care. That means being willing to lay down one’s life for the sheep (cf. John 10:10-15). I once heard a leader complain that he had to leave a congregation because the people were “just moving too slow; they weren’t ready for change.” It sounds radical and visionary, but it also sounds like really bad shepherding: “I had to leave the sheep behind because they couldn’t keep up.” When we’re no longer willing to shepherd, we’re no longer suited to the task of Christian leadership.`

What’s your biggest failure/weakness as a leader? i really liked the following line from a bigger answer…

A leader is someone who is willing to nurture, develop, grow and cultivate people who are not yet ready to serve, lead, or move forward.

Awesome thoughts

One of my buddies Hit this squirrel on the way to college… Thanks Katy Leighton

But alas… the last few weeks have had me thinking about the past year and a half in Thunder Bay, Canada… I had to find a place to start, so i went with this question… ‘What is one significant thing i have learned in the last while?’ I started there and I suppose it ended there also!! So i wanted to share this with you…

If you are in youth ministry, youth work, running any organisation that has volunteers, workers, key players, whatever… I have found this to be a key piece of learning for me…Mission, vision and values alignment… ok… lets unpack it a bit… i have not done a good job initially about casting vision… and i guess this is exactly where the key learning for me has happened…

First things first….You got to know your vision, values and your mission for whatever it is, inside and out and be confident that this is the best thing that you could be doing with your time for this season of your life! You see, if I want my people to be fired up about something they gotta know where they are going… they gotta be able to line up  with the vision values and mission and head in that direction, they gotta grab hold of the vision as if its their own… they need to own it and then they will invest themselves in it! Ask yourself these questions- what is your mission here? what are your goals? where do you want to see things in 5 years time? how are you intending to get there…?
Then you gotta talk about these things with energy, enthusiasm, conviction, belief, passion!

Leads me onto my 2nd point. Clear communication is essential! If you can communicate your vision, values and mission clearly and often, you will get less questions and more people committed to helping you achieve your end goals… When you have people who arent on the same page they will always have questions and sometimes criticism… Don’t write them off as grumblers… be sure to give them the time and vision cast your wee butt off to them… its always a beautiful thing when the people who criticise you the most become empowered and energised to help you achieve your goals… so commit yourself to finding various platforms to regularly cast vision, values and your mission to your volunteers and key team players.

there are loads of thoughts going through my mind about what i have learned here… but heres my final thought for this blog entry…
Celebrate all your ‘wins’ big or small! Nothing empowers and energises team more than seeing success in achieving what they have set out to do… so celebrate your wins! Make sure to communicate them to everyone you know well, i guess that may start to get annoying for the ‘everyone’… so at least make sure to celebrate those wins with your teams, and those people who are journeying with you! Small wins celebrated brings a sense of missional momentum and can spur your team on and re-energise them!

Id love to hear your thoughts on this… drop me a comment and lets have a good yarn about our thoughts.

So heres to knowing our vision, values and mission well, communicating often with passion and clarity and to the raising of the Pint glass when things start happening! Slainte

Theres an old tradition that my dad used to do at the turn of the year… as the clock struck 12 midnight he used to open the back door and then run through the house and open the front door symbolising letting the new year in and it pushing the old year out! Pretty cool symbolism. Then we would stand out the back yard and listen to the Ships in Belfast Harbour sound their fog horns as though announcing to the whole city that theres something new coming, then dad would shoot some fireworks out of the empty beer bottles on the back wall! Good times! Sweet memories!
Have you any funky New Years traditions?

What are you going to let in this year that will push the old out! Make it count

I am incredibly thankful that men and women would take up arms and fight tyranny so that their present and what would be our present could be how it is! Yet i every year i am stuck by what the realities of war are for those who have had to endure it!

I studied a poem in school at the age of 14 and its words have struck me and stayed with me for the years since… i blog today to share those words…

have a read;

DULCE ET DECORUM EST

Bent double, like old beggars under sacks,
Knock-kneed, coughing like hags, we cursed through sludge,
Till on the haunting flares we turned our backs
And towards our distant rest began to trudge.
Men marched asleep. Many had lost their boots
But limped on, blood-shod. All went lame; all blind;
Drunk with fatigue; deaf even to the hoots
Of tired, outstripped Five-Nines that dropped behind.
Gas! Gas! Quick, boys! – An ecstasy of fumbling,
Fitting the clumsy helmets just in time;
But someone still was yelling out and stumbling,
And flound’ring like a man in fire or lime . . .
Dim, through the misty panes and thick green light,
As under a green sea, I saw him drowning.
In all my dreams, before my helpless sight,
He plunges at me, guttering, choking, drowning.
If in some smothering dreams you too could pace
Behind the wagon that we flung him in,
And watch the white eyes writhing in his face,
His hanging face, like a devil’s sick of sin;
If you could hear, at every jolt, the blood
Come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs,
Obscene as cancer, bitter as the cud
Of vile, incurable sores on innocent tongues,
My friend, you would not tell with such high zest
To children ardent for some desperate glory,
The old Lie; Dulce et Decorum est
Pro patria mori.

Wilfred Owen
8 October 1917 – March, 1918

So heres to my great granddad, Died in Normandy 1944… and those tens of thousands like him…

Endured the worst so we can have the best!

Lest we forget